Rebuilding After Relationship Loss: Shelley’s Story
No one escapes hard things in life, sudden disappointments, or unexpected tragedy, but our hope is that at least they don’t happen all at once or one after the other. For Shelley, the opposite was true: her spiritual deconstruction journey and subsequent loss of her church community/religious family’s approval was a grief journey she had just begun to adjust to when her marriage ended two months later. Divorced and without the support of people she assumed she would always have in her corner, she was not only bereaved but more isolated than she anticipated.
When she came into therapy, she was torn between grief for how these relationships ended AND anticipation for what building a life on her own terms for the first time could mean. One session she would be overwhelmed with sadness and need lots of space to feel that without looking towards the future or being reminded of “how strong she was.” The next, she would be eager to explore her values on her own terms and reckon with the freedom of examining her belief system for herself (i.e. the “construction” part of deconstruction) as well as figure out what dating herself looked like after divorce. Her main questions throughout were “how do I rebuild a life that feels authentic to me when I’m not sure what I really believe?” “How do I know when I’ll be ready to be close to someone again?” “How do I feel the grief without getting overwhelmed by it?”
Shelley is a fictional amalgamation of a lot of people’s real life experiences and is inspired by both clients I have helped in similar situations as well as my own journey. If you resonate with her, you may be asking the same questions about moving forward when life feels like it’s been turned upside down. They’re complicated ones and I encourage you to explore them tenaciously. The tips I’ll offer as you navigate your journey are the same ones I would give to Shelley if I were her therapist and that I have used to help real clients who are grieving relational loss.
Boundaries Aren’t Static: They can Shift and Change with Your Season of Life, Needs, and Goals
Spiritual deconstruction and adjustment to divorce are often experiences that make us come face-to-face with the boundaries (or lack thereof) we have with ourselves and other people. Maybe those relationships actually ended because there were no boundaries in the first place and one of your goals now is to figure out what healthy ones look like. If so, please hear me: like with any other new skill, learning boundaries is supposed to be messy and imperfect at the start. And, they aren’t set in stone. They are meant to keep the bad out and the good in in your life and what falls into either category can shift depending on your chapter of life and how others respond to them. When you set boundaries, it’s really ok to reassess them as relationships ebb and flow and as your goals for the current season of your life shift over time.
No One Heals Alone
One of the ironies of grief is that, even while it reminds us of what we lost and how alone we feel, it responds so well to being witnessed by safe people. There’s no one who can take your experience away from you or “make it better” by saying just the right thing (spoiler: there’s no magic words to say to someone whose grieving) but being safe in someone else’s presence while we’re grieving reminds us that we’re not alone and that our pain can actually make us feel closer in the relationships we still have. It’s ok to take lots of space to be with yourself in your own loss, but when you start feeling buried by it, resist the urge to isolate. Reaching out to someone you trust and simply saying “I don’t want to be alone right now, can you sit with me/watch a movie/take a walk/grab a coffee/etc.” allows you to be witnessed and you don’t necessarily have to talk about anything meaningful while you are.
Self-Care after Grief is a Practice, not an Overnight Skill
Self-care is talked about so much in our culture that people often assume it’s as easy to implement as using the remote to turn on a favorite show or filling the bathtub up with bubbles at the end of a long workday. These are great ways to recharge but self-care is also deeper than that: it’s an intentional way of caring for your mind, body, and emotions that helps you show up healthy for yourself and other people. It can be indulgent, but it can also look like getting up thirty minutes earlier in the morning so that you are less frazzled getting to work, getting off the phone an hour before bed to give your mind a chance to reset, getting sunlight when you want to stay in bed, or eating a meal with protein to fuel your body when you’re craving sugar. Especially after loss, self-care takes on a special importance because grief is a draining emotion. You may not automatically know what you need, so experimenting with what feels nourishing is part of how you can show up for yourself intentionally. When you find something that works, integrating it into your routine is an act of trust-building between you and yourself and sends a powerful message of “you’re worth the effort.”
If this resonates, I hope it’s a reminder that you’re not alone, even when grief tells you that you are. And, if you’re looking for professional support, I would love to hear from you. You can reach me at abigail@attachmentlabcounseling.com or schedule an appointment directly on my calendar here.
