Am I Anxiously Attached? Insights from a Dallas Relationship Counselor

Dallas residents Grace and Joseph (our friends from last week’s post) are at it again. Their “date from hell” blew over when they both got tired of trying to prove their points and settled for a stony silence for a few days followed by cautious conversations around neutral topics. The ice between them thawed rapidly after Joseph proposed another shot at date night next month and reserved one of Grace’s favorite spots. All was well for two weeks, and then Joseph started feeling restless. It was easy to push away at first and he distracted himself with all the usual comforts: routine, tv, snacking, light conversations with Grace, the gym, etc. But the feeling got bigger. It was a nagging anxiety about the unfinished conversations he had had with Grace several months prior, her lack of initiative in planning another getaway for them, her staying up late most nights of the week when he went to bed early, and how it often took her to text him back at work. After a couple days, the anxious thoughts turned into irritability. “Why can’t she care enough to check in on me?” became a running theme in his head and, as he played her imagined response out (“I DO check in on you, why can’t you appreciate that?”), his irritation turned into full on anger. He started answering shortly after she came home and asked about his day, turned down intimacy saying he was too worn out, and didn’t sit as close to her on the couch during TV time. Still, she didn’t seem to pick up on the cues. Finally, it reached a head, and Friday night at happy hour he let her have it, listing off a score of grievances and concerns he had been stewing over for the last several weeks. His approach was angry, loud, and complaining and she was taken aback. 

Suffice it to say, it was another date from hell.

What Is Anxious Attachment? Relational Signs and Symptoms

If we slow down on this scenario, we’ll notice that none of Joseph’s needs are invalid: it’s healthy to want communication from a partner throughout the day, to have them plan and surprise you, to check in on your mental and emotional wellbeing, to partake in shared rituals (i.e. going to bed at the same time), and to work with you to resolve hard conversations. These desires aren’t where the fights start. What started this particular train wreck was Joseph's way of noticing that his needs felt unmet and the story he told himself about it. He was scanning the environment of his relationship for unmet needs, missed expectations, and signs of threat because that’s what a nervous system stuck in anxiety and fight or flight does. His restless energy was telling him that things were going too well and wouldn’t last, which is one of the hallmarks of an anxious attachment style: intense hypervigilance to perceived threat and a constant monitoring of a partner’s behavior to see if they still care or not.

Joseph’s anxiety also told him a story about his partner (i.e. “she doesn’t care”) and this narrative around the situation hit straight at one of his core wounds: abandonment. He craved reassurance that he mattered to her but, instead of bringing this to her, he became progressively more and more angry. Irritation felt safer than rejection and was also a natural consequence of the story he told himself (i.e “nobody cares”). This preoccupation with the areas of his relationship where he felt alone and jumping straight to rejection as way to explain it is anxious attachment in a nutshell.

He stewed on it until his body couldn’t hold the pressure and it got released through criticism and harsh words when he couldn’t contain it anymore. He didn’t intend to hurt her, but his way of expressing his needs started the conversation off on disastrous footing.

What Joseph may not realize is that the thought patterns and nervous system responses that he is bringing to the table come from somewhere and have a very good reason for existing.

What Causes Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is very often a learned, adaptive response to an emotionally unsafe environment in childhood. Joseph may have grown up in a home where his parents were inconsistent in their emotional responses: this could look like loving, warm, unconditional responses from them one day and then cruel words, loud voice, and shaming language the next. Joseph learned to walk on eggshells (i.e. anxiety) and to mentally prepare himself to come home to a myriad of possibilities on his walk home from school (i.e. hypervigilance). He became really good at reading his parents moods and sensitive to any fluctuations (i.e. hypersensitivity) and, because they were too preoccupied with their own emotions to offer him much comfort, support, or validation, his need for their approval was constantly “on” (i.e. finding a sense of worth and regulation through relationships and needing constant reassurance).

None of this is Joseph’s fault; his system is actually just filling in the gaps that his parents left so he can experience some sense of stability. It’s a brilliant survival strategy AND it doesn’t just turn off when Joseph grows up and finds a partner that, without meaning to, triggers his deepest insecurities.

The good news in all of it? These are learned responses, which mean they can be unlearned.

Can Anxious Attachment Be Healed? What Dallas Couples Need to Know

YES. Our brains and nervous systems have the innate ability to heal. As humans, we’re actually all born innately wired for security and it’s our preferred state.

A future blog post will break down Joseph’s healing journey in therapy and what specific tools helped him find security in his relationship with Grace but, spoiler alert, it will have something to do with:

-Learning how to experience his emotions with curiosity instead of shame and process them with reflection instead of reactivity so he can regulate himself even when his partner lets him down or he feels rejected.

-Reprocessing the painful experiences in his childhood that built his anxious attachment style from the ground up and rewiring his self-talk so that his “story” of himself, others, and the world become more balanced, nuanced, and flexible.

How Dallas Relationship Therapy Can Help with Anxious Attachment

An attachment specialist and trauma-informed provider can help you move towards security in your relationship to your own emotions and those of your partner. Some approaches we use at our Uptown Dallas office and virtually at Attachment Lab are:

EMDR - an incredible modality that uses left and right eye/body movements to help you safely reprocess upsetting moments in your life that may contribute to your attachment issues. 

IFS - a gentle approach that helps you understand all the different parts of you from a trauma-informed lens and how they work to get your needs met based on what kept you safe in childhood 

Somatic Therapy – body-based techniques to help you track your nervous system reactions in your relationship and learn tools to ground you in safety 

Emotionally Focused Therapy - an approach often used in couples therapy to help both partners understand their core relational needs and the role their emotions play in the dynamic and how to express them in a healthy way

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy – a skills-based approach that is very practical in helping you learn to tolerate distress, practice mindfulness, regulate your emotions, and build interpersonal effectiveness.

You're Wired for Secure Connection. Let's Move Towards it, Together.

Attachment Lab Counseling specializes in trauma-informed attachment therapy for Dallas residents and clients all over Texas. We work with couples and individuals who are caught in anxious cycles and want to replace chaos with peace and trade shame with curiosity. Currently accepting clients and offering free 15 minute consults, you can reach us here https://abigail-scallan.clientsecure.me/ or text us at 214-247-6085

Serving individuals and couples in Dallas, TX — including Downtown, Greenville, Oak Lawn, University/Highland Park, Design District, and surrounding areas.

Stay tuned for our next attachment style post in this five part series and take a look back at our breakdown of all four style here