What’s All the Buzz about Attachment Styles? A Dallas Therapist Weighs In
This post is a first in a five part deep dive into attachment styles from a Dallas relationship therapist and couples counselor
Date night is not going well for Joseph and Grace. The restaurant is beautiful, the music is great, and the evening has been planned well in advance with a lot of preparation and excitement. But halfway through dinner, it went off the rails. Joseph made a comment about how long it took Grace to get ready, joking that he has to fib to her about the time they need to leave so that she’ll be ready to go at the actual deadline. Grace sparred back that at least she “puts some effort in,” with a pointed look at Joseph’s casual t-shirt and rumpled hair. The conversation escalates to Joseph declaring that he “doesn’t know why he bothers saying anything” and Grace responding that “if he planned dates more often, rather than putting it on her, she would be able to practice being on time.” Joseph’s attempts to soothe her by saying he “was just joking” provoke her to more anger and she lays out an entire list of times that he has failed to plan dates or criticized her the past. At this point, he shuts down completely, stating that the conversation and the date itself was a waste of his time, while Grace became more and more volatile. This conversation will continue the rest of the night, with Grace becoming more frustrated and anxious to the point of inconsolable tears and Joseph looking on helplessly, unable to connect to his empathy or emotions at all.
Little do they both know, this all started with their attachment styles.
What is Attachment Theory? (And How It Impacts Your Relationships)
Coined by John Bowlby and his collaborator Mary Ainsworth in the 1950’s, “attachment theory” is a clinical term that describes a very human experience. Simply put, these two therapists believed that every person is innately wired for relationship, first and foremost with our caregivers, and that we learn from the moment we’re born if our environment is safe to relate to. While not consciously, children are always asking “are my parents interested in me?” “am I enough?” “is it safe to have and express this feeling?” “do I have a place to go for comfort?” “am I loved unconditionally?” and “am I worth something when I’m messy or upset?” If the messages we receive early on are scary, negative, overwhelming, or chaotic, we adapt ourselves to the environment to create safety or earn the love and attention required to get our needs met (for example, stopping sharing our negative feelings and putting on a happy face). These adaptive strategies are necessary for childhood survival and eventually become our attachment template for all future connections.
The tricky thing? These childhood attachment patterns don’t just vanish when we become adults: they seep into every area of life and work, becoming the adult relationship cycles that run every conversation and experience. They are not ingrained personality traits or signals of pathology: they are strategies that made sense early on and can be relearned thanks to the brain’s incredible ability to build new neural networks and connections. To help with reprocessing and healing them, therapists have divided them into four distinct categories.
The Four Attachment Styles at a Glance
Secure — comfortable with closeness AND independence (i.e. healthy interdependence), strong awareness of personal boundaries and respect for partner’s limits, ability to feel emotions of self and partner without overwhelm or shut down
Anxious (Preoccupied) — driven by an overwhelming fear of abandonment, constant reassurance seeking, hyperalert for threats to trust and security
Avoidant (Dismissive) — values independence to an extreme degree (i.e. hyperindependence), uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, tends to withdraw/avoid discomfort and closeness
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) — wants closeness but fears it, pulls partner into connection and then shuts down/pushes away with bad behavior, idolizes then mistrusts partner
"Which Attachment Style Am I?" — Tips to Recognize Your Pattern from a Dallas Relationship Therapist
This blog offers additional posts that take a deep dive into every style, and you can peruse at length. But for today, here’s an interesting if/then exercise to take with you:
If you find yourself losing touch with your own emotions and your empathy during hard conversations, fearing conflict to the extent that you’ll do anything for your partner to avoid it, or consistently feeling “smothered” by your partner’s needs and feelings/the relationship itself….then you might have avoidant attachment
If you are struggling to feel recognized and appreciated by your partner despite their efforts, constantly on edge that you did something to drive them away, or have a running list at all times in your mind of when your partner failed you/wasn’t there for you…then you might have anxious attachment
If you complain to your partner that you aren’t getting your needs met but can’t articulate what those are when they ask, experience whiplash from your changing moods in the relationship (happy and in love one day and miserable the next), or feel adoring of your partner one day then completely mistrusting of them the next….then you might have disorganized attachment
If you’re feeling anxious, called out, or confused at this point, you’re human. Take a breath and appreciate your courage in exploring this topic at all, because the good news is, recognizing your attachment patterns is a necessary first step to healing.
Changing your Attachment Style
Attachment styles are absolutely changeable! They are learned adaptations, not pathological characteristics. Earned secure attachment is possible regardless of your background, history, or trauma experiences. A curious stance towards yourself, one or two safe people in your life to process with, and good therapy can accelerate this relearning process.
How Dallas Relationship Therapy Can Help You Shift Your Attachment Patterns
There are many approaches that work really well for learning secure attachment and addressing the trauma underneath insecure styles:
EMDR - an incredible modality that uses left and right eye/body movements to help you safely reprocess upsetting moments in your life that may contribute to your attachment issues.
IFS - a gentle approach that helps you understand all the different parts of you from a trauma-informed lens and how they work to get your needs met based on what kept you safe in childhood
Somatic Therapy – body-based techniques to help you track your nervous system reactions in your relationship and learn tools to ground you in safety
Emotionally Focused Therapy - an approach often used in couples therapy to help both partners understand their core relational needs and the role their emotions play in the dynamic and how to express them in a healthy way
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy – a skills-based approach that is very practical in helping you learn to tolerate distress, practice mindfulness, regulate your emotions, and build interpersonal effectiveness
Ready to Understand Your Attachment Style? Let's Talk
Attachment Lab Counseling specializes in integrating these evidence-based approaches to help Dallas residents and clients all over Texas address their attachment issues. Offering trauma recovery, couples therapy, and relationship counseling for adult individuals, treatments are tailored to you and your unique needs. Our practice is currently accepting clients and offers free 15 minute consults before you schedule. You can access our calendar directly here https://abigail-scallan.clientsecure.me/or you can text us at 214-247-6085
Serving individuals and couples in Dallas, TX — including Uptown, Greenville, Oak Lawn, University/Highland Park, North Dallas, and surrounding areas.
Explore the Full Series
🔗 What Is Secure Attachment — And How to Build It as a Couple and Individual
🔗 Anxious Attachment Style: Signs, Patterns & How Therapy Helps (coming soon)
🔗 Avoidant Attachment in Relationships: Why You Pull Away (coming soon)
🔗 Disorganized Attachment: When Love Feels Both Wanted and Terrifying (coming soon)
